Outlets

Dear Ashley,

Yesterday, we went to the toy store and bought a really huge black dog stuffed toy. Of course we named it after you. So now you're immortalized! Each of us has taken turns hugging it, bringing it around, and last night, I slept with it. Had a very good sleep, in fact.

And then today, in order to not feel sad, I've decided to think of really nice memories of you; memories that don't concern your death, memories that celebrate your life. So now, I feel less sad and, I guess, more "privileged" or blessed to have had you in my life.

I still miss you, Ash. I still feel that there's a big part of my life that will be forever incomplete. For the past 10 years of my existence, you were there; in my ups and in my downs. I always relied on your constant presence for support, I'm sure you knew that.

But I choose to smile more now. I choose to laugh. Because if I don't, I'll end up spiraling downward faster than you can say, "Ashley". I need to move on because I'm going to hole up and isolate myself from the world. I need to move on because I have work to do, among other things.

Expect me to write, still. That won't change. Expect me to become wistful when I remember you're no longer with me.

Yet expect my letters to you to take on a positive tone. I want to remember you the way you've always been — loving, loyal, full of life.

By the way, I just bought a new lens today, Ash! If you were still around, I'd have definitely made you and Shab my first subjects using this lens. It would have been really nice to try it out on you guys.

When I go home tonight, I'll hug the immortalized you. And play with Shabby for a bit.

Love you, Ashbee!