One Month

Dear Ashley,

It's been one month.

We still miss you.

Cassie's Place in the Grand Scheme of Things

Dear Ashley,

I've noticed, lately, that Cassie's learning where she fits into things. Being a puppy, she probably knows that everyone finds her cute. And so we give in to what she wants; we let her inside the house for a few minutes to tickle-wrestle with her; when she wants to get out of her crate and starts howling, we let her out after a few minutes of her incessant protests.

Things like that.

And then there's Shadow. She's not quite scared of him. In fact, she can engage in some sort of tug-of-war with him without backing down from the fight. She's even tried to eat from his bowl at the same time he's eating, which merits a growl from him. (At least Shadow's threats are limited to just growls; I remember Shadow trying to steal your food from you and that ended up in a bloody mess. You were more possessive of your food, being the food lover that you are.)

So it's safe to say that she's very much a part of the family. Even if it means me waking up at 5am everyday on weekdays, and at 6-something on weekends (which, to the rest of the human race, is downright ungodly), it's a joy to be actively involved in her life and to watch her grow up.

I guess I just wish that I could've been more hands-on with you, especially during your senior years. I took things for granted, relying on helpers to take care of you and Shadow. Cassie is my second chance to make things right.

Tomorrow, June 12, you will have been gone for a month. It's weird. I guess, in a way, we have moved on. There haven't been any tears in a while. And I haven't tuned out or become distracted.

But this isn't because we don't miss you or think about you. We've just learned to channel our sadness into other things. Like in my case, work, my photography, my computer-related hobbies, and the other two dogs. The rest of my family, they've learned to find their own outlets.

I still have moments where I miss you. I remember certain instances, or how you looked like. I see similarities between Cassie and you; like how neatly she eats because you were a neat eater yourself. She also has the same energy that you used to have as a pup.

Though time does heal all wounds, there are certain memories that open the wounds and expose fresh scars for time to heal once more. It's an endless cycle; one that sticks around for the rest of your life.

Not many people have had the chance to have an amazing companion, a best friend in canine form, but my family and I did. You were the definition of loyalty, charisma, and intelligence, all rolled into one black Labrador. You were very special, Ash, and no matter how many dogs we have in the future, they'll never be able to replace you.

So here's to one month of us mourning over you and at the same time, celebrating your life, albeit a short one.

We all love you, Ash.

Been a While

Dear Ashley,

Sorry I haven't been writing here! It's just a hassle to write from this slow and obsolete computer, really! It takes so long to load and there's usually a slim chance that the Internet window will shut down right before you save a blog entry. Go figure. I was always ill-fated anyway.

Anyway, lots have happened since I last wrote. For one thing, we got a new puppy! She's a choco Lab named Cassie, and her exuberance (and friskiness) reminds us of how you were as a puppy, Ash! She loves to chew anything and everything, she loves to annoy Shadow, she loves to run around repeatedly without tiring. She's one little bundle of energy! But we love her nonetheless.

It's nice to have her because it doesn't seem anymore like Shadow's lonely. He has no time to wallow in depression because in a matter of seconds, a little one will sink her teeth into his tail.

But we still miss you, Ash. You're never gone from our thoughts. And even if I hadn't been writing in a while, I've been "talking" to the stuffed toy version of you, which I sleep with nightly. So your presence is very much still around.

Also, about a week or so ago, I chanced upon the very last picture of you that was taken, shortly after you died. Chuck took it and decided not to show it to me for fear of how I would react.

When I saw it, I got sad. It reminded me that I wasn't there for you when it happened. It reminded me that, on your last day, unknowingly, I wasn't around.

I hope you've forgiven me for that. I'm really sorry. Whatever pagkukulang I had with you, I'll try to pour it out on Shadow and Cassie.

I miss you, Ash.